"finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."
"qualifications: no education or experience."
"i am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy."
"my compensation should be at least equal to my age."
"reason for leaving: it had to do with the irs, fbi and sec."
"fired because i fought for lower pay."
"size of employer: very tall, probably over 65" .
"please disregard the enclosed resume-it is terribly out of date."
"reason for leaving: my boss said the end of the world is near."
"reason for leaving: the owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. i prefer to elaborate privately."
"here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"strengths: ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"i am a rabid typist."
"work history: performed brain wave tests,1879-1981."
"after receiving advice from several different angels, i have decided to
pursue a new line of work."
"as indicted, i have over five years of experience analyzing investments."
"suspected to graduate earlynce analyzing investments."
"suspected to graduate early next year."
"disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"accomplishments: oversight of entire department."
"am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"accomplishments: completed 11 years of high school."
"note: keep this resume on top of the stack. use all others to heat your house."
"assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting." (translation: short-order cook.)
"but wait...theres more. you get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature."
"i have an excellent track record, although i am not a horse."
"my fortune cookie said, your next interview will result in a job-and i like your company in particular."
"title: another resume from the profiles in excellence series."
"also known as: mr. productivity, mr. clever, mr.fix-it."
"trustworthy references available upon request-if i give them a few bucks."
"lets meet so you can ooh and ahh over my experience."